Mother’s Day is everywhere. The advertisements begin weeks in advance. Bouquets, brunches, jewelry, heartfelt cards. For most people, the holiday is a celebration. But for women who have had an abortion, this day can arrive with a weight that is difficult to describe and even harder to carry.
You may find yourself quietly scrolling past social media posts of smiling mothers. You may sit in a church pew or a restaurant and feel like the only person in the room with a secret. You may not have expected to feel anything at all, and then suddenly, you do.
Whatever you are feeling this Mother’s Day, please know this: your grief is real. Your love for the child you lost is real. And you deserve the space to honor both.
Why Mother’s Day Can Be So Difficult After Abortion
Grief after abortion is not always linear. For many women, it surfaces on specific dates, such as an anniversary, a due date, or during the holidays. Mother’s Day is particularly difficult because it publicly celebrates the bond between mother and child — a bond that you may feel deeply but have no socially recognized place to express.
This kind of grief has a name. Therapists sometimes call it disenfranchised grief. It’s a grief that is not openly acknowledged by society, which can make it harder to process.[1] When there is no formal ritual, no sympathy card, and no culturally accepted language for what you are going through, the pain can feel isolating and even shameful.
But you do not have to qualify your grief or justify your emotions to please others. At Abortion Recovery America, we work with women from many walks of life — different ages, different circumstances, different faith backgrounds. One thing we hear consistently is that Mother’s Day catches women off guard, even years after their abortion. If this is your experience, you are in good company.
Honoring the Child You Lost
One of the most healing things you can do is find a meaningful, personal way to acknowledge the child you lost. Here are a few ideas:
- Give your child a name. Many women find profound comfort in quietly naming the child they lost. A name is an act of recognition. It says: you existed, you mattered, and I remember you. This does not have to be shared with anyone else. It is simply a way of holding your child close in your heart.
- Plant something. Some women choose to plant a flower, a small tree, or an herb garden as a living memorial. There is something deeply comforting about tending to something that grows, watering it, and watching it bloom year after year. It can become a quiet, beautiful tradition that belongs entirely to you.
- Light a candle. A simple candle lit in a quiet moment can serve as a meaningful act of remembrance. Some women do this on Mother’s Day each year. It does not need to be elaborate. It is simply a small light held in honor of someone loved.
- Visit a meaningful place. Whether it is a garden, a beach, or a favorite spot in nature, going somewhere that feels sacred or peaceful can create a sense of connection to your child.
Coping Strategies for Getting Through the Day
Honoring your child is one part of navigating Mother’s Day. The other is simply surviving the day itself with as much gentleness as possible. Here are some practical ways to care for yourself.
- Give yourself permission to feel whatever comes. There is no right way to feel on Mother’s Day. Some women feel sadness. Some feel anger. Some feel relief, and then guilt about the relief. Some feel nothing, and then wonder if that means something is wrong with them. Whatever arises is valid. You do not need to perform a particular emotion (or suppress one) to honor your experience.
- Plan the day with intention. Leaving Mother’s Day entirely unstructured can make it feel longer and harder. Consider thinking through the day in advance. You might plan a quiet morning walk, schedule time with a trusted friend, or set aside the afternoon for something that brings you comfort. Even a loose structure gives you something to move through rather than a blank day to simply endure.
- Set boundaries with social media. Social media on Mother’s Day is relentless. There is no shame in logging off entirely for the day, muting certain accounts, or putting your phone in a drawer. You are not obligated to witness a stream of content that may deepen your pain.
- Be honest with someone you trust. You do not have to carry this day alone. If there is even one person in your life, such as a close friend, a sister, a counselor, a support group member, who knows what you are carrying, consider reaching out to them on Mother’s Day. Simply telling someone “today is hard for me” can loosen the grip of isolation considerably.
- Avoid activities that feel like punishment. Some women feel an unconscious urge to push through difficult situations as a form of self-punishment. They may feel obligated to attend large, joyful Mother’s Day gatherings when they know it will be emotionally devastating. Healing does not require suffering. It is okay to decline invitations, change plans, or choose a quieter path through the day.
If You Are Also a Mother to Living Children
For women who have had an abortion and are also raising children, Mother’s Day can carry a layered complexity. You may feel joy and grief simultaneously. You may find yourself celebrating with your family while quietly mourning in a corner of your heart.
Know this: You can be a good mother to the children in your life and still grieve the one who is not. Both things are true. Both are allowed.
You Do Not Have to Heal Alone this Mother’s Day
Grief after abortion, particularly grief that surfaces around Mother’s Day, is something that many women face in silence, believing they are uniquely broken or alone. They are not. And neither are you.
At Abortion Recovery America, we offer small, confidential support groups led by facilitators who have walked this road themselves. There is no agenda here, no pressure, and no judgment. Just a community of people who understand, because they’ve been there.
Give us a call at (205) 894-2868 to start your healing journey today.
If you’re ready to take the next step in your healing journey, Abortion Recovery America offers confidential support groups for women and men. No matter your story, you’ll find understanding, acceptance, and hope. Learn more about our support groups here.
Sources
- Cesur-Soysal, G., & Ari, E. (2024). How We Disenfranchise Grief for Self and Other: An Empirical Study. National Center for Biotechnology Information. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/35238248/